Free…er

Yesterday, I got up without an alarm, got ready, put my bags in the car, stopped at a store and grabbed a Latte from Starbucks and headed out to MA.

I was driving down the highway when I noticed something interesting. I was smiling. For no apparent reason, there was a grin on my face and I actually broke into laughter. I was behind the wheel, going to see a friend out of state and possibly seeing another friend on the way back. I hadn’t done that in a long time. Most of my weekend travel is to PA, not off on adventures like I used to have. I felt such a freedom.

Through one moment on New Year’s day, I put every ounce of trust I have in God’s hands which has led to an amazing sense of freedom. The lasting freedom leaves me feeling so much free-er? Freer? More free? I’ll take them all. 

The smile has yet to fade. This morning, at Mass, I could hardly keep from bursting into laughing there was so much joy watching my friend’s 7 month old son giggle and listen intently to the priest during his baptism. When it was time for communion, I looked at the alter and hungered. Hungered to have the presence of Christ, body, blood, soul, and divinity fill my being. I haven’t felt that hunger for the Eucharist…well, ever. Not like how I felt it today.

There is such a freedom in joy, in trusting, such peace. I didn’t even experience anxiety while driving on a dark and foggy road where I could hardly see past the end of my car on my way home tonight. I simply claimed my trust for God to lead me.

On the way home, I realized something else. I feel so connected lately to the Communion of Saints. My friend’s mom passed away earlier this year and I’d really been struggling with it. More times than I can even believe, I have ended up sobbing just thinking about her. This weekend was the first time I was able to think about her and not tear up. I was chuckling to myself about all the things we find after I ask for St. Anthony’s help (including Zach’s other bootie this morning). Then I thought, “Gee, I had asked St. Anthony to help find me last year!” The thoughts that flooded my heart and mind after that are proof that St. Anthony will never fail me.

I am me. I am a woman. I’m a daughter, a sister, an auntie, chosen family, friend, #8. I am Catholic and proud of it. I believe and profess that Catholic faith. I will never put doctrine, dogma, etc. in a higher place priority than love. Jesus didn’t. My goal in life is to be love. Love to those who feel like outcasts, love that never asks anything. I want God to fill me up and I want to pour His love out to all those I come in contact with. I want to find joy in every moment of work, family, my friends. I don’t want to put any effort into negativity. I am who I am, who He created me to be. I am free.

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