Trapped

I promised myself I’d be honest with this blog. Thus, the title for this entry was born. I feel trapped. 

I’m not sure there is much more to say. I tried to plan a way out, at least for a week. That did not work out. I think this wouldn’t feel so bizarre except that I feel trapped no matter where I am. 

Trapped at work. Trapped in my cubicle. Trapped at home. I can’t get out. I can’t get out of my own way. I am surrounded by walls. When I feel trapped, I sink down to the floor in the midst of the walls and cry. Pushing the walls to try to get out. How can I get out from this trap?

Tonight, the thought “I just want to disappear for an entire day” popped into my head. I want everything around me to just pause while I gain my composure, find myself, and maybe even climb out of the trap. But things keep moving. Moving way faster than I can ever catch up to.

It’s that time of year when it’s dark before I even leave work. Pitch black outside by time I get home. Motivation does not find me in the dark. I need something fresh and new. Something to distract me or get me out of the confinement that I’m feeling. 

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Give & Take

A post inspired by a Miley Cyrus song. (No, I’m not joking)

Wrecking Ball by Miley Cyrus has thrown me through a loop over the past couple of weeks. I never expected to be schooled like this by words coming out of the young woman who brought us “twerking”, but who am I to say who or what can teach me a lesson?

At first, it was just another song on the radio that I’d sing along too. After a while, I started to notice it’s relevance in my life. Then I let the words really sink it the more I sang along.

I came in like a wrecking ball

I never hit so hard in love

All I wanted was to break your walls,

All you ever did was wreck me

Yeah, you, you wreck me

I never meant to start a war

I just wanted you to let me in

And instead of using force

I guess I should’ve let you win*

*Side note: I got these lyrics from AZLyrics.com, but when I was contemplating the meaning of the song, I assumed the words were “I guess I should’ve let you in” not “win”.

In short, what I’ve learned:

You can’t expect to force someone to give you what are you aren’t willing to offer up without being let down. It is like trying to rob a bank without even showing up. Are you going to be successful? No. Will you get anything out of the vault? No. Will you be happy with your result? No.

You are right where you started, with nothing. Often times, when we try to do something, and fail, we feel wrecked. If I had all of these walls built up around my heart, how can I convince someone they can let me past their walls? How can I make them feel safe with me if I am guarded like Fort Knox? But if at first you don’t succeed…

Knowing what I know now, can I get a second chance at trusting you, letting you in? Will you let me in?