I have been writing a post for about 2 weeks now. I can’t figure out how to find saved drafts on wordpress. So, here I start again.
Over the last two weeks, God has chosen to make some things clear through music.
I’m really trying to allow this blog to serve as a means for me to re-open my heart to others; get out of myself if you will. So, here goes nothing:
Last week, I sampled the new Jars of Clay album, Inland. I heard the title track sample and couldn’t wait to download the full version. I was blown away. “No streets to walk on…wander til you find you…you’ll have to trust your heart…you keep turning inland, no man is an island, it’s where you’re supposed to be.”
Wow. Looking at the complete words to this song I found both my prayer and my answer. And comfort.
Yesterday, I went to Mass for the first time in a while. (yes, a while. I said it.) My worst fear hit me like a ton of bricks. I was in a Catholic Church and felt no desire to be there. I actually felt more of a desire to leave (which wasn’t an option since I was with my parents and my neice & nephew). I felt like I was trespassing. Are you as shocked as me? I went through the motions, but I felt so lost. I love the Church. I love the teachings of the Church. I am certain part of my discomfort is from being away for quite a while now, but I can’t ignore the lack of desire I had to be there.
Though many of you may encourage me to “work on it”, I can’t help but follow this path I am on. From the outside looking in, one might see a failing prayer life, a woman slipping away from the hardcore faith she once had. But in here, in my heart, I’m doing okay. Though I’m rocked at the lack of desire to be in Church, especially at Mass, I speak with God more frequently and intimately than I ever have. I am more confident than ever of his unfailing love and mercy towards me.
The words of this song “Inland” struck such a cord. As I was facing this scary moment of not feeling home in the place I grew up in, I heard God speaking these words of the song, “No man is an island, come on home to me…love will set you free, until it sets you free…you keep walking inland…come on home to me”
Right now, I’m unsure of so many things, but in His heart is my home. As long as I continue to walk towards Him, with Him, I am free. I have to leave behind the idea that I have to follow what I always simply because I always did. I need to step out in faith that the ground will be beneath my feet simply because He loves me enough to not let me fall. And though this journey may take me away from what I’ve always known, it’s still beautiful to Him.