Open Heart. I think I have one again.
Over the past year or so, I haven’t really felt much of anything. Sure, you may have seen me smile or cry. There is some element of human experience and reaction that is learned. When a family member passes away, the tears come. When a child is born, the smile appears.
All to show the world that I know how to react to the right queues.
Finally, after months of real struggle in my personal life, I reached out to someone for prayer. I admitted that I hadn’t been getting to Mass and was struggling. I also was able to ask a few friends traveling to holy places to pray for me. Well, God sure is gracious and compassionate, and rich in love as the Psalms proclaim.
Slowly, I started to feel like a human being again. Shortly after, I heard some sad news from a good friend. I sobbed. I cried so hard I’m not sure how I stayed on the road. I tried to stop, telling myself I could continue once I got home safely, but the floodgates had opened. Real grief had finally touched me. Every time I told myself, stop, cry later…I remember Sue Kelly telling me how important it is to accept the tears right when they come. So I did and I’m grateful for my guardian angel keeping in the right lanes on my drive home.
My life has changed a bit since that night. I am not who I was the day before. I am not who I was years ago. I am who I am now. A woman who knows that God is right beside me and will never leave, never doubt me, never give up on me, never run out of mercy to rain upon me. A woman who is blessed with a great family and amazing friends. Friends who, when I share my heart, don’t judge me or run screaming, but say, “I know what you mean”.
I had such fear about opening my heart. Such fear to share where my heart is on so many things. I have opened my heart. I welcome the truth of feelings, good or bad, because it’s much better to be alive inside than to not feel.