Inspiration has finally returned to write. Type.
I learned a major lesson during 2017. It was hard to see and a little shocking. I learned that I had been obsessed with perfection. I was going to be the person who made the perfect decisions, live life perfectly (even if only to the outside world that others saw), pray right, be wise, be a know-it-all at work, rise to the top and be all-around perfect.
Then I failed. Or at least, I thought I failed. In my opinion, I failed big in multiple ways. I couldn’t carry all of the weight of things at work, I couldn’t pray my way to a cured mental state, I couldn’t have the perfect relationship.
There, at this pivotal moment, is where the light bulb jolted on over my head and heart. The “perfection pedestal” that I just fallen off of…was of my own creation. God had not had these lofty expectations of perfection for me and outside of that, who else’s expectations could matter? Were other people surprised by my need for help at work? Sure. Were other people shocked when I shared that I’d be starting anxiety medication? Absolutely. Were some people taken back by my new relationship with a divorced/non-Catholic/Jamaican? Ya man. Even I was shocked by all of the ways in which life fell together in surprising ways in the last year.
Through all of it, it came back to the tried and true lesson that it always comes down to. God asking that simple question, time and time again, “Daughter, do you trust me?”
If I’m being honest, my answer in 2017 had twisted to “no, I trust myself to get it all right for you”. And I heard him loud and clear, “I do not expect perfection, I simply ask that you trust me. Trust where I have you on the path right now, trust where it will lead you in the future.” Maybe life is really just continuing to learn this same lesson of trust, over and over, deeper and deeper, until we trust enough to let go and fall into His arms when we enter Heaven. I won’t dare say that I have perfect trust in Him now that 2017 is over, but I hope I can keep myself off the pedestal and in the land of reality. A reality which is much on the ground where He has planted me.
Medication, my relationship, and my new co-worker have been live savers in so many ways and if I never got my butt off that “perfection pedestal”, I could have missed out on living a much fuller life.